Uncut and Raw- Life, positivity and other things.

Have you ever felt like everything is falling apart, although you have no reason to feel that way?

I have a perfectly fine job, I get paid well, I have friends and family that would do anything for me, I’m healthy, fortunate enough to have a roof  over  my head and many other priveleges. So why do I feel so low?

When I moved out alone, I was afraid of getting lonely, making new friends and getting used to a new surrounding. I was also excited to reinvent myself. So, I let myself get overwhelmed with that excitement and shoved away the fear. That’s something I find myself doing too often.

It all started a couple of years ago. I was involved in quite a terrifying car crash. I was in pretty bad shape. The moment my parents  walked in and saw me in that state, I could see the worry and pain I had caused them. My mum was crumbling into pieces and til that day I had never seen my brother or my dad shed a tear. The though that I was causing this pain switched on some sort of trigger in me.

That moment I decided to downplay every pain and emotion I was feeling. I told myself I had to be strong for them. Until this very moment I have not told a soul how much pain I was mentally and physically I was going through. I never felt the need to. It was my problem, and I don’t like talking about my problems.

Since then I have managed to train myself to have a “positive” outlook towards everything or see the brighter side of things.

A wise man once said, too much of anything is bad for you. I now strongly believe that too much of positivity has taken a toll on me because, even when I had bad days I never let myself feel bad.

I’m learnin that it is very important to let yourself feel whatever emotions you are experiencing. You need to let yourself work through it. I had lot of BS over the years, one day I was gonna pop.

I fell to pieces this sunday. I cried for no reason at all. I cried so much I couldn’t breath. That hasn’t happened since I was a kid!  What’s worse is, I can feel myself dropping into a dark hole. I know once you go there it’s hard to get out. So what could I do to stop that from happening?  I had to talk about it to someone and for the first time I let myself admit to others how I felt.

This is what I wrote to two of my best friends:

“Hey, something is really wrong with me and i need to tell you guys before i go crazy or do something stupid. I feel so empty and i dno why. I really wanna be excited for your wedding and everything that is happening but i just feel nothing. i don’t miss anyone, i don’t feel sad, i don’t feel happy, i don’t feel angry. I dont feel scared. I feel like i have no one. And i know i have you guys and my family but i feel like i’m in a black box where i can’t see all of this. I’m just sleep walking through life and i don’t know how to get out of this phase. I cry almost every day but i didn’t wanna tell anyone because i don’t wanna get in anyones way and i don’t wanna sound weak or be felt sorry for. I don’t even know why i cry cause i don’t feel anything when i cry. I’m just so confused. I feel so tired of pretending im okay or trying to find ways to stay positive.”

The past couple of months have been grim and gloomy. I wasn’t having a positive outlook anymore. I was just pretending, pretening to be happy, pretending to be fine.

To anyone my life will look just like it always was, average. And it is. I am grateful for every lesson I have learned so far and every oppotunity I have been given but, I feel very trapped. There’s so much about my life I’m missing and missing out on.

My current role is not helping me grow to be the person I see myself to be in future. On the other hand, I’m too afraid to let go and to take the risk to find out what my life is about.

I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders because as the eldest child in my family I have a lot responsibilties. It’s an uspoken rule and there’s no pressure from my parents, this is just something I tell myself.

I donn’t want to disappoint them, again.

Does anybody else feel this way? How can I get my mojo back?

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-xo S.

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